I hardly laughed at all during the 7 months I was on chemo, but I sure did cry a lot. I was sad. Not just for me but for other people as well. For example, I kept thinking about one boy in particular who had been in my class forty years ago. He had been bullied. Back then there weren’t any programs about bullying. It just happened and no one said anything. Now I dwelled on those memories and cried often about them.
I began searching for him on Facebook to see how he was doing. I needed to know that he was okay at this point in his life. I never had a crush on him or anything. I couldn’t figure out why I was so obsessed with him of all people. He wasn’t on Facebook but I did locate him on Linkedin. He was smiling in his profile picture and it indicated that he held some important jobs in his profession over the years. Seeing this made me feel better. Of course, I still didn’t know if he was married, had children or if he was happy.
Often when I had these bouts of crying my daughter would ask what was wrong. I explained how my emotions were all over the place and I couldn’t help it. I think she thought my behavior was a bit odd. Even some stories that I saw on TV news had me in tears. I was on antidepressants but they didn’t prevent me from feeling the sadness that sometimes consumed me.
When I began my chemo treatments, the nurse practitioner gave me a packet full of information to take home for my family to read. It contained all kinds of information for the people who would be my caregivers during this time. I told everyone in my household about the folder and left it on the coffee table in the family room so they could peruse it at their leisure. No one ever opened it. I knew this because I asked them all, numerous times, if they did. That made me sad and I cried about that too. Sometimes I felt like I was going through this whole horrible ordeal all by myself.
I am recognized as being a strong person when presented with a stressful or difficult situation. I knew I would get through chemo. And I did!